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| Feel The Fear And Burn Anyway. Fire Walking Adventures. |
By:
Wesley Mccormick |
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In 1993 my first child was born. In 1963 I was born but my parents were unable to raise me. By 1993 I found myself an unmothered mother out of my depth, losing control, deeply depressed and fear ruled my life. I did not want to mother my daughter in fear and anxiety, I longed to give her a magical beautiful childhood and I knew I had to get help.
And so I found myself in Bradford with the strangest bunch of new age hippies you could imagine. Crystals, tarot cards, reiki healers, Buddhists, it was an alien planet to me and if I had a comfort zone then I was certainly a long way out of it.
I was there for 3 days, lonely, missing my baby, feeling lost and anxious. I got my programme and decided which workshops and talks I would do. I then took myself off to the main hall to look at the stalls. I am standing by a crystal seller trying to achieve maximum invisibility so no "weird" people will ask me what the hell I am doing in this place where I so clearly don't belong, a man is watching me and I am deeply uncomfortable by his staring.
He is standing beside me with a brochure in his hand, "this is my workshop, its tomorrow, it's the whole day, it's really expensive and its fully booked with a waiting list, and I want you to come" he says.
"Yeah, that is so not going to happen mate" I am thinking while mumbling to him that I already have my day booked and paid for. He looks at me and touches my arm very lightly; pale grey eyes making me squirm. "Look you have filled your day with safe little workshops so you can pretend you are trying to find yourself". "You need to face your fears, all of them, in a dramatic way that will change your life forever". I tell him I will come just to shut the weirdo up and I make a beeline for the cafe and the safety of a hot strong coffee.
Back in the relative safety of my uncomfortable room (back then my preference was for 5 star hotels) I read his brochure. A day of drumming and martial arts ending with a fire walk. There is no way on Gods earth I could ever find the courage or insanity to attempt this day and I also have booked to listen to an author talking about her experience with angels, which sounds wacky but at least not terrifying in any way.
I wake up at 7am, shower, dress and go in search of a cafe for breakfast. I pass the building were the fire walk event is located and know I am not going there. After a horrible breakfast at a cheap nasty cafe I wander back to the main hall which is filling up with people and there he is. We make eye contact, he smiles and leaves.
At 8.55am I wander into the hall and find myself in a room with about 100 people and there he is in the middle, holding court. I take a seat and listen as he explains that most of us will leave today long before the fire walk and there is no failure in that.. Whatever happens and however far along the day we travel its right and we must not try to impose our will onto the day.
We start with some meditation, he guides us into a relaxation place on a beach but my heart is pounding still and I can't focus on a word he is saying. He then asks us to select a drum and he teaches us some basic drumming, the sound of 100 of us banging on drums is energising and I do have a flutter or two of excitement in my stomach as his energy and confidence helps me to relax a little bit. At one point in the day we are given huge pieces of thick square wood and we have to write down on to the wood all our fears and what changes we long for. We do some more mental focus and visualisation exercises and then he instructs the men in the group to lift one hand and to chop the wood in half. As this exercise progresses a great deal of people who are unable to split the wood are gently asked to leave, told that today is not the time for them to move forward yet.
I realise I am only 1 of 5 women left and he asks us to make a circle around him. He explains that feminine energy is different and requires no force. He asks us to read what we have written again and then to bring our hand gently but firmly through the wood, break the wood and prepare to face the fear. To my complete and utter disbelief my hand comes down and through the wood splitting it in two, this piece of wood is about 3 inches thick and very hard. The other 4 women are unable to do it and leave. So now there is just me and about 20 or so guys left and I really hate guys so I am not exactly happy. But I am in a more focused and different place from usual.
He now explains that we will be preparing the coals for the fire walk and the heat will be strong enough to melt aluminium. I think he is insane and there is no way I am walking on hot coals. I also worry about melting my contact lens.
Some of the preparation must have been done earlier as the coals are already very hot by the time I see them and some of this part of the day is very hazy in my memory, what I can recall is feeling absolute terror and then calm as I realise that I am simply not going to do it.
We rake the coals over and over, me turning my head away from the furnace heat so as not to have melted lens in my eyes.
Then sometime later the paramedics show up and so does a crowd of people including a TV camera crew and some reporters.
We are kept much focused by the drumming and his shouting at us and the first few guys go.
I see them ahead on the other side, some in tears, some yelling with excitement and a few nutters running round to do it again! He is watching me and I start to cry. I know I can`t do it. I can't find the courage.
Two guys are standing beside me and one of them says, "We will hold your hand and walk it with you" "we both just did it, you won't burn, you want to lose all those fears don't you, you can do this"
I take their hands and then I am walking on coals that are hot enough to melt aluminium. I am still in a kind of trance state; the whole day had been about finding this focus, this mind over matter, this trance like state that would transcend matter. And I, Carol Finlayson the world's biggest coward and least confident person is walking on fire. I don't burn, well I have a tiny wee blister on my little toe, I like my tiny blister is a little souvenir.
This focus has never left me, sometimes I forget I have it but when I need it its always there, it has helped me transcend other difficult and trying obstacles in my life.
So now its 18 years on and I am booked to do my next fire walk in a month's time. My daughter is facing some huge fears of her own as she prepares for university and leaving home and I will walk on fire again to symbolise the start of a new era in my own life. As I plan to remarry and rebuild from the wreckage of bankruptcy and a terrible relationship breakdown many years ago, the walking on fire will renew my strength and belief that I have a power within me beyond what I think is possible.
Carol Finlayson, certified Tony Robbins Coach and Author of "Turn On The Lights" a self help book taking you from fear to living a life beyond your wildest dreams. Visit her website at: http://blog.carolfinlayson.com/
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